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The All-New Joke Thread

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:39 pm

welshben23 wrote:
Dorset Girl wrote:Just substitute 'Liverpool' for a team name of your choice, and tell Woggle that was the original joke! :D


:D Let me think. The original joke mentioned Arsenal and also said 'Champions League' rather than league.


Least were still innit! [ barley ..lol but still ] nice try benny :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Hans the German Butler » Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:08 pm

Han Solo and Chewbacca hated one another's guts - latest news from Wookiee-leaks
ROZ: It's not like she worships the Devil
FRASIER: She doesn't need to, he worships her!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:19 pm

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning...don't know why I was filling up.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:10 pm

I went for my check up today; it was all going well until he tried to put a finger up my bum. Do you think I should get a new dentist??

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Hans the German Butler » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:12 pm

My mother in law is like a slinky:

Quite pointless and fundamentally useless but never fails to make me smile when they're falling down stairs
ROZ: It's not like she worships the Devil
FRASIER: She doesn't need to, he worships her!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:58 pm

Hans the German Butler wrote:My mother in law is like a slinky:

Quite pointless and fundamentally useless but never fails to make me smile when they're falling down stairs


:lol: I'd put that as my facebook status, only my MIL's on my 'friends' list, so I'd better not!
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Wed Dec 15, 2010 11:04 pm

a manager at work told me this

"It's the premature ejaculation christmas party tomorrow, no dress code just come in your pants"
If life gives you lemons, make lemon curd
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:50 pm

As a Christian I was deeply offended by watching the Top Gear Special this Christmas where it was suggested that the new Stig was born in Israel. The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.

Whereas Jesus...


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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:09 pm

kat wrote:a manager at work told me this

"It's the premature ejaculation christmas party tomorrow, no dress code just come in your pants"


hehehe i totaly spat my cola all over the keyboard but it was worth it .
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:21 pm

kat wrote:a manager at work told me this

"It's the premature ejaculation christmas party tomorrow, no dress code just come in your pants"


I'm gonna use that joke at whatever New Year's party I wind up going to.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Mr Blue Sky » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:26 pm

cassius wrote:As a Christian I was deeply offended by watching the Top Gear Special this Christmas where it was suggested that the new Stig was born in Israel. The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.

Whereas Jesus...


cassius


Me likey :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Sat Jan 15, 2011 10:03 am

My Grandfather used to put a ball in one of three cups and then move them around. I had to guess which cup the ball was under. I replied " Doesn't that hurt? ".

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:09 pm

This is a potentially offensive joke:



I don't understand rich people. They shoot pheasants and kill foxes and everyone stands and applauds. Just the other day I killed a horse which is much bigger than a fox and they all just stood and cried. And I don't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer..

< warped sense of humour, sorry >

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Tue Jan 18, 2011 3:25 pm

cassius wrote:This is a potentially offensive joke:



I don't understand rich people. They shoot pheasants and kill foxes and everyone stands and applauds. Just the other day I killed a horse which is much bigger than a fox and they all just stood and cried. And I don't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer..

< warped sense of humour, sorry >

cassius



We must have the same sense of humour! that cracked me up! :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Fri Jan 21, 2011 4:16 pm

cassius wrote:This is a potentially offensive joke:



I don't understand rich people. They shoot pheasants and kill foxes and everyone stands and applauds. Just the other day I killed a horse which is much bigger than a fox and they all just stood and cried. And I don't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer..

< warped sense of humour, sorry >

cassius


For some reason that reminds me of Steven Wright.

I didn't think it was offensive in the least, but you have to remember that nothing really offends me in terms of comedy.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:15 am

barnaclelapse wrote:
cassius wrote:This is a potentially offensive joke:



I don't understand rich people. They shoot pheasants and kill foxes and everyone stands and applauds. Just the other day I killed a horse which is much bigger than a fox and they all just stood and cried. And I don't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer..

< warped sense of humour, sorry >

cassius


For some reason that reminds me of Steven Wright.

I didn't think it was offensive in the least, but you have to remember that nothing really offends me in terms of comedy.


Thank goodness for that.. :angel12:


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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Sat Jan 22, 2011 8:53 pm

:twisted: The Man Shop

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
There is a flat fee of £1000 upon entrance, and the woman can take home any one man of her choice in the shop.
There are many floors at the man shop, and the attributes of the men on each floor improve the higher you go.

There is however, a catch.
On each floor you have the option to either pick a man or take the escalator to the next floor.
You cannot go back down a floor other than to exit the building empty handed.


So a woman goes to The Man Shop to find a husband. She pays her £1000 at the door and goes up the 1st escalator.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.



The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.



The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.



"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.


"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another escalator.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.


"Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.


The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, have a strong romantic streak, are great lovers, play piano, and are fluent in five languages.


"That's amazing" she gushes, "but think how amazing the men on the next floor must be".
She jumps on the next escalator.




The seventh floor sign reads:

Floor 7 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Man Shop, the escalator to your right will take you direct to the exit.
Have a nice day.



:D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby cassius » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:14 pm

Does Lynx ' England ' smell of cigarettes and disappointment? :wink:


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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:42 pm

Hans the German Butler wrote:Han Solo and Chewbacca hated one another's guts - latest news from Wookiee-leaks


:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:45 pm

^^^ i like that one :D

-How do you know when your morning paper is upside down? Liverpool are in the top 4 of the premiership..sorry benny !! :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Hans the German Butler » Mon Jan 31, 2011 3:08 pm

As the end of transfer deadline day approaches Manchester United have issued a statement that Howard Webb is not for sale.
ROZ: It's not like she worships the Devil
FRASIER: She doesn't need to, he worships her!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:14 pm

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby IDON'TKNOW » Sat Feb 05, 2011 9:17 pm

I love the Phonetic one! :D
Lorenzo Lovegun here!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:36 pm

:twisted: Some good ones there :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:40 pm

What do you call an ape in a minefield?

A BABOOM.


2 Cowboys are in a pub, 1 says 2 to the other "have you tried the new rodeo sex position?" "No mate I haven't, what's that?" says the other. "Well! He says.take your wife from the back, cup her boobs in both hands, then say cor blimey they're nearly as big as your Sister's then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds!"

I bought a car off Bonnie Tyler last month. It runs ok, but every now and then it falls apart.
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