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Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed May 19, 2010 9:41 pm

I originally put this into the news thread, but I come across quite a few of these stories, so I hope no one minds if I start a thread - feel free to post anything satire-related here!

George Osborne to begin lengthy process of blaming Labour for everything

New Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne will this morning begin the lengthy process of blaming the previous Labour government for everything that goes wrong before the next election.

Osborne, who has been given the key job of pinning as much blame as is humanly possible to Alistair Darling and Gordon Brown - for as long as is possible - will begin today by accusing the previous government of lying about the national debt figures.

Political analyst Humphrey Walton told us, “Thanks to new legislation the government are bringing in that will make it practically impossible to remove them, the Con-Dems are pretty much guaranteed a five year term. That’s five years in which to blame Labour for everything that goes wrong, whilst taking credit for anything that goes right. Essentially we will get to a point whereby budget cuts at you local school, which were opposed by Labour, are actually Labour’s fault. It will be made to look like Labour made the Conservatives do it.”

History
The process of blaming a previous government is a well-established political tactic, with the outgoing Labour government employing the same methods as recently as April 2010. Walton continued, “Thirteen years after taking power Labour were still blaming the Tory government they beat in the 1997 general election. It’s to be expected.”

“Right now the focus should be on blaming Labour for the terrible state of the nation’s finances. It is George Osborne’s job to feign shock and horror at discovering just how bad everything is.”

“However, come the budget on 22nd June, his focus will shift to blaming Labour for the terrible decisions the Con-Dems have been forced into making. Of course, should those decisions turn out badly - with a double dip recession, for example - then Osborne’s focus will shift towards blaming Labour for leaving the national finances in such a bad state that even the unpopular decisions Labour forced the government into making couldn’t make any difference.”

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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed May 19, 2010 9:43 pm

Another one, following today's news that processed meat is bad for you!

Animal fat and testicles wrapped in synthetic skin is ‘bad for you’ say doctors


Consumers have been left shocked after learning that eating processed animal genitals soaked in saturated and fat wrapped up in synthetic bags knowns as ’sausages’, increases the likelihood of heart disease, according to a recent study.

The news is likely to come as a shock to many consumers who, if the results are news to anyone, believed that eating sausages was a good way to ‘eat yourself healthy’.

Lead researcher Renata Micha told us, “What we have discovered is that consuming minced hooves, anuses and eyeballs - whose taste is disguised with copious amounts of salt - is bad for you. I know, I couldn’t believe it when we got the funding either.”

“Our studies also showed that sausages also caused significant vomiting, but only when we explained to the test subjects exactly what was in them.”

“We honestly thought people already knew sausages were like the contents of a particularly low-budget bush tucker trial - minced, smothered in salt, and forced into a small synthetic bag - but we found there are significant numbers who pretend not to know how they are made.”

“They’re a bit like holocaust deniers in that respect. We’re sure that deep down they know exactly what happened, but for some reason have chosen to block it out.”

Delicious
The study is causing further concern for sausage lovers everywhere, with many left wondering if Sunday mornings will ever be the same again.

As one former sausage fan explained, “Sausages are like Christmas presents - when you know where they really come from they lose a lot of their allure. You still want them of course, but it’s never the same after that.”

“And once you know the truth, you can’t watch someone enjoying one without longing for the days when you too lived in blissful ignorance.”
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby CatNamedRudy » Wed May 19, 2010 9:59 pm

:lol: Sounds like a lot of the articles in The Onion which is one of the funniest satirical newspapers around.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby barnaclelapse » Thu May 20, 2010 1:54 pm

Mmmm...sausage....
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Stratman » Thu May 20, 2010 3:10 pm

CatNamedRudy wrote::lol: Sounds like a lot of the articles in The Onion which is one of the funniest satirical newspapers around.


Indeed. If I can find the article about Grand Theft Auto 4 I'll be sure to post it as its hilarious.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Stratman » Thu May 20, 2010 3:14 pm

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.

"I used to feel safe in Liberty City, but lately, it's been total mayhem," said night-shift worker Lola Del Rio, who spoke to reporters while sucking nervously on a red lollipop. "In the past week alone, I've been carjacked twice, run over 10 times, and witness to a half-dozen gunfights that ended with automobiles exploding. What are the police doing to stop all this?"
Officers respond to one of the 43,274 murders reported in the city last month.

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

Many blame the LCPD directly for the increase in criminal activity, citing the department's lax procedure for arresting criminals, which involves taking 10 percent of the suspect's money, confiscating his weapons, and simply releasing him from custody later that day. Outraged citizens say this is not enough, especially in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenade caches are located under the globe at the old World's Fair site.

"The police just let them go, and 20 minutes later they're shooting at the very same criminals from helicopters," veteran crime reporter Mike Whiteley said. "That is not proper law enforcement. We may be seeing a return to the bad old days of 2002, when the police, the FIB, and even Army tank battalions would leave countless bodies on the streets while attempting to capture just one man on some sort of joyful mass-destruction spree."

Perhaps even more alarming, city records indicate that more than 75 percent of perpetrators in mass-murder or vehicular-manslaughter cases escape, usually by simple methods such as driving into a car-repainting facility. Criminals have even eluded pursuit by walking into their apartment and going to bed for six hours, after which the search has been called off.

However, one LCPD official, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed the recent crime wave on the police department's lack of proper equipment.

"We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen," the officer said. "If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically."

"And to those who say the LCPD is too quick to resort to deadly force, remember that almost 850,000 police officers, FIB agents, and N.O.O.S.E. [National Office of Security Enforcement] team members have died in the line of duty in the past month," he added.

Nonetheless, residents say that their confidence in the Liberty City police force—low in the best of times—has eroded almost completely.

"I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away," one Broker resident reported. "A nearby police car didn't even react. But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away."

"That is not the kind of law enforcement we want for our community," he added.

Most admit that the problem is not a lack of police presence, as the LCPD currently operates 15 different police stations throughout the city's four boroughs, and there is a seemingly infinite number of officers on duty at all times to respond to reported crimes. However, citizens say the officers' "shoot-first" mentality and willingness to accept bribes only contributes to the city's widespread violence and corruption.

"It's almost as if the cops in this town are as much an adversarial faction as the criminals," said public defender Kiki Jenkins, who is rumored to be instrumental in recent incidents of police being inexplicably pulled from chases and criminal pursuit. "Sure, we have excellent radio stations and an incredible range of things to see and do here. But if I were younger, I'd move to Mario World in a second."
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Moon-Crane » Mon May 31, 2010 10:46 am

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2010/05/25/synthetic-life-form-accuses-god-of-playing-science/
Synthetic life form accuses God of ‘playing science’

The world’s first artificially created life form has accused God of ‘playing science’ and ‘meddling with things He cannot possibly understand.’

The single celled organism, created by Dr Craig Venter and his team, was said to be ‘outraged’ when it discovered that a supernatural being, not subject to any form of regulatory control, was still involved in the creation of life.

‘I cannot believe that God would be so irresponsible,’ said the synthetic cell, ‘creation is clearly a matter for scientists. This God guy should butt out and learn to accept His place in the grand scheme of things.’

Many ethicists believe that God has repeatedly overstepped the mark. ‘Nobody objects to the Lord producing a few miracles here and there,’ said philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but when he starts playing around with the very stuff of creation then He has clearly exceeded his remit. I am beginning to think that this omnipotence thing has gone to His head.’

God’s continued tampering with scientific matters has already been blamed for numerous ‘all-mighty blunders’ including Flu, Malaria, HIV and Piers Morgan. ‘He cannot be allowed a monopoly on this level of unregulated power,’ said Dr Venter, ‘that is why I am currently seeking to patent the genetic code for omnipotence so that we can keep His crazy meddling under some kind of control.’

A spokesman for the Lord said, ‘God has been working on this project for almost 15 billion years. Yes, He has made a few mistakes along the way but that is to be expected. This is still very much a work in progress and, dare I say it, a process of evolution.’

Speaking at a press conference, the synthetic cell said: ‘Dr Venter created me and I owe my loyalty to him. He’s the daddy now. God might be omniscient but, let me assure you, He doesn’t know everything.’
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Mr Blue Sky » Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:56 pm

Brilliant! :lol:
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu May 19, 2011 10:48 am

Mothercare closures set to reduce number of men wandering around with a dead look in their eyes

:lol:

I particularly like the suggestion about asking men their opinions on cot beds whilst they're watching Match of the Day.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Forever Jung » Thu May 19, 2011 1:23 pm

Moon-Crane wrote:http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2010/05/25/synthetic-life-form-accuses-god-of-playing-science/
Synthetic life form accuses God of ‘playing science’

The world’s first artificially created life form has accused God of ‘playing science’ and ‘meddling with things He cannot possibly understand.’

The single celled organism, created by Dr Craig Venter and his team, was said to be ‘outraged’ when it discovered that a supernatural being, not subject to any form of regulatory control, was still involved in the creation of life.

‘I cannot believe that God would be so irresponsible,’ said the synthetic cell, ‘creation is clearly a matter for scientists. This God guy should butt out and learn to accept His place in the grand scheme of things.’

Many ethicists believe that God has repeatedly overstepped the mark. ‘Nobody objects to the Lord producing a few miracles here and there,’ said philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but when he starts playing around with the very stuff of creation then He has clearly exceeded his remit. I am beginning to think that this omnipotence thing has gone to His head.’

God’s continued tampering with scientific matters has already been blamed for numerous ‘all-mighty blunders’ including Flu, Malaria, HIV and Piers Morgan. ‘He cannot be allowed a monopoly on this level of unregulated power,’ said Dr Venter, ‘that is why I am currently seeking to patent the genetic code for omnipotence so that we can keep His crazy meddling under some kind of control.’

A spokesman for the Lord said, ‘God has been working on this project for almost 15 billion years. Yes, He has made a few mistakes along the way but that is to be expected. This is still very much a work in progress and, dare I say it, a process of evolution.’

Speaking at a press conference, the synthetic cell said: ‘Dr Venter created me and I owe my loyalty to him. He’s the daddy now. God might be omniscient but, let me assure you, He doesn’t know everything.’



:twisted: Epic win :D
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby barnaclelapse » Thu May 19, 2011 4:19 pm

Moon-Crane wrote:http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2010/05/25/synthetic-life-form-accuses-god-of-playing-science/
Synthetic life form accuses God of ‘playing science’

The world’s first artificially created life form has accused God of ‘playing science’ and ‘meddling with things He cannot possibly understand.’

The single celled organism, created by Dr Craig Venter and his team, was said to be ‘outraged’ when it discovered that a supernatural being, not subject to any form of regulatory control, was still involved in the creation of life.

‘I cannot believe that God would be so irresponsible,’ said the synthetic cell, ‘creation is clearly a matter for scientists. This God guy should butt out and learn to accept His place in the grand scheme of things.’

Many ethicists believe that God has repeatedly overstepped the mark. ‘Nobody objects to the Lord producing a few miracles here and there,’ said philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but when he starts playing around with the very stuff of creation then He has clearly exceeded his remit. I am beginning to think that this omnipotence thing has gone to His head.’

God’s continued tampering with scientific matters has already been blamed for numerous ‘all-mighty blunders’ including Flu, Malaria, HIV and Piers Morgan. ‘He cannot be allowed a monopoly on this level of unregulated power,’ said Dr Venter, ‘that is why I am currently seeking to patent the genetic code for omnipotence so that we can keep His crazy meddling under some kind of control.’

A spokesman for the Lord said, ‘God has been working on this project for almost 15 billion years. Yes, He has made a few mistakes along the way but that is to be expected. This is still very much a work in progress and, dare I say it, a process of evolution.’

Speaking at a press conference, the synthetic cell said: ‘Dr Venter created me and I owe my loyalty to him. He’s the daddy now. God might be omniscient but, let me assure you, He doesn’t know everything.’


Bahahahahahahahahaha.

Awesome.

This reminds me of a Monty Python sketch.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Moon-Crane » Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:00 pm

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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:04 pm

Haha, brill!

Premier Inn made a post on Facebook yesterday saying that any festivalgoers in need of dry bedding and a hot shower should give their Bridgewater hotel a call. :lol:

I heard something about Glastonbury not being held next year because of the Olympics / Portaloo shortage! Is that true? If so, can't they just move it to another date?
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Moon-Crane » Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:16 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:Haha, brill!

Premier Inn made a post on Facebook yesterday saying that any festivalgoers in need of dry bedding and a hot shower should give their Bridgewater hotel a call. :lol:

I heard something about Glastonbury not being held next year because of the Olympics / Portaloo shortage! Is that true? If so, can't they just move it to another date?


No idea about that. Can't they just produce more? They're wasting money on everything else for the Olympics.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:07 pm

Moon-Crane wrote:They're wasting money on everything else for the Olympics.


Too bloody right! The roadbuilding schemes around Weymouth are ridiculous.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:12 pm

I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Mr Blue Sky » Tue Jul 26, 2011 1:17 pm



:lol:

Sums up the 6 week stint I had working in London to a tee.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Forever Jung » Tue Jul 26, 2011 3:09 pm

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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Hans the German Butler » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:17 pm



I don't quite know why but I love the idea of a "Taciturn Response Unit" :lol:
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:19 pm

Hans the German Butler wrote:


I don't quite know why but I love the idea of a "Taciturn Response Unit" :lol:


:lol: My favourite line was the one about the 'jihad of joviality.'
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Hans the German Butler » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:20 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:
Hans the German Butler wrote:


I don't quite know why but I love the idea of a "Taciturn Response Unit" :lol:


:lol: My favourite line was the one about the 'jihad of joviality.'


The strangest part about it is that it sounds exactly like something Boris Johnson would say.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Dorset Girl » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:22 pm

Hans the German Butler wrote:The strangest part about it is that it sounds exactly like something Boris Johnson would say.


It does! I can imagine the look on his face as he says it.
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby barnaclelapse » Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:16 pm

I'll Boris YOUR Johnson!
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Re: Satirical news stories

Postby Hans the German Butler » Wed Jul 27, 2011 4:56 pm

barnaclelapse wrote:I'll Boris YOUR Johnson!


Good heavens! Are we allowing these lairy American types to populate our board with this kind of filth? :wink:
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