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The All-New Joke Thread

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:18 pm

I thought my loaf of bread was trying to tell me something this morning, then I rubbed my eyes and realised it said 'Thick Cut'.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:51 pm

Heh.

:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:31 am

No matter how bad things get just be thankful you're not an egg. You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird that will sit on your face is your Mother!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:54 am

welshben23 wrote:No matter how bad things get just be thankful you're not an egg. You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird that will sit on your face is your Mother!


I heard that last night, on TV... can't think who said it. Was it on Mock the Week?
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:53 pm

Why must a dishonest man never go outside?

So no one will ever find him OUT.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Sat Aug 22, 2009 5:13 pm

barnaclelapse wrote:Why must a dishonest man never go outside?

So no one will ever find him OUT.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:37 pm

barnaclelapse wrote:Why must a dishonest man never go outside?

So no one will ever find him OUT.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


:lol: :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:15 pm

A man walks into a library and sidles up to some shelves.He takes out some scissors and cuts off the bottom of his trousers and places them on a shelf.
An assistant wanders up and enquires as to what he is doing.
He replies ' Well,that's a turn up for the books. '
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Mon Aug 24, 2009 12:43 am

Well played, sir.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:33 pm

What's small, white and flies round the room at 100mph?

Stirling Moth
If life gives you lemons, make lemon curd
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Tue Aug 25, 2009 3:26 pm

Man, I've got tons of jokes, but they're all racist jokes.

(Sighs)
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Hans the German Butler » Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:07 pm

A man walks into a bar with a stork and a cat, they find a seat and the guy goes to the bar and orders drinks. The stork gets the next round in but the cat misses his turn for three rounds. Finally the barman says to the guy, "What's going on there, I've seen you and the stork buying drinks but the cat hasn't budged." He replies, "It's my own fault really, I had a genie appear to me the other night and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"
ROZ: It's not like she worships the Devil
FRASIER: She doesn't need to, he worships her!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:16 pm

Apparently, the funniest joke of the year, as voted by... I dunno who, actually... anyway, the one that won was "Hedgehogs: why can't they share the hedge?"
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:55 am

That's not funny at all!

(Glares, bitterly disappointed and deeply disillusioned)
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:52 am

Oh dear.
My friend has been fired,yet again.
He lost his last job for treading on a snail.

Apparently it had been following him around all day.
:)
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:07 pm

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.

'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.'

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

'Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. 'Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:14 pm

What's Crisco? :?
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Sat Aug 29, 2009 7:17 pm

Crisco is also called vegetable shortening - 'A solid fat made from vegetable oils, such as soybean and cotton seed oil. Although made from oil, shortening has been chemically transformed into a sold state through hydrogenation. Vegetable shortening is virtually flavorless (has a bland, neutral flavor) and may be substituted for other fats (such as butter, margarine, or lard) in baking of pie pastry, cookies, and cakes. Shortening is ideal for pastry, since it blends well with the flour.'

But in other words, shortening=shrinking. Get it?
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:43 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:Apparently, the funniest joke of the year, as voted by... I dunno who, actually... anyway, the one that won was "Hedgehogs: why can't they share the hedge?"



:lol: man that made me just giggle out loud ... how sad does that make me
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Sun Aug 30, 2009 2:46 am

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called
him that any more..

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why? Everyone knows you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:47 pm

:lol:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:46 pm

A neighbour looks over a fence and sees a girl digging a hole. She asks her what it's for, and the girl replies that it's for her goldfish, who has died. The neighbour comments that it's a very big hole for a goldfish, and the girl replies "Yeah, that's because it's inside your fucking cat!
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:36 pm

Stewardess - Good evening,Sir...Would you like some of our TWA coffee?
Male passenger - No.But I would love some of your TWA tea.

:wink:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:56 pm

There has been a small fire at the Emirates Stadium, the police have named a suspect, Arsene Wenger.
If life gives you lemons, make lemon curd
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:10 pm

kat wrote:There has been a small fire at the Emirates Stadium, the police have named a suspect, Arsene Wenger.


How dare you take his name in vain , on the other hand i did find that quite funny ..lol
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