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The All-New Joke Thread

Discussion of non-'Frasier' related topics

Postby welshben23 » Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:29 pm

A woman accidentally knocked down and killed a deer, so she thought waste not want not and she brought the thing home for her husband to cook. While they were at the dinner table the husband asked their kids if they could guess what meat they were eating? They were stumped, so he gave them a clue "sometimes mammy calls daddy this" he said. The daughter looks on in horror and screams at everyone "SPIT IT OUT IT'S A FUCKING ARSEHOLE!!"
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Postby welshben23 » Tue Sep 30, 2008 1:10 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of You b*****ds who want to get off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her so'n say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added.... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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Postby insaneasperger » Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:01 pm

LMAO!! Ben those are soo funny!
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Postby welshben23 » Sat Oct 18, 2008 6:48 pm

At the end of the tax year , the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle wax drippings ?”.

“Good question” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers , and every now and then they send us a free box of candles”.

“Oh” , replied the auditor , somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his own obnoxious way.“What about all these biscuit purchases?. What do you do with all the crumbs?”.“Ah yes” , replied the Rabbi , realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers , and every now and again they send us a free box of Holy biscuits”

“I see !” , replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.“Well Rabbi” , he went on , “What do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”. “Here too , we do not waste” , answered the Rabbi. “What we do is we save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete DICK !”.
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Postby Mayday Malone » Tue Oct 21, 2008 10:11 pm

With apologies to Spurs fans

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008 ... spur-jokes

some classics there...
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Postby welshben23 » Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:36 pm

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it asthe whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to hisfemale companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swimcloser!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swimunder the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into amillion pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales
started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but
clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was
furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got
another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
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Postby woggle » Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:40 pm

:lol: very good Benny , took me a while to read it .
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:37 pm

I bought a deodorant stick today, I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. "Remove top and slowly push up bottom." I'm in Casualty but my farts smell lovely!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:03 pm

welshben23 wrote:I bought a deodorant stick today, I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. "Remove top and slowly push up bottom." I'm in Casualty but my farts smell lovely!


:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:13 am

Why do racing drivers have bent cocks?

Because they have to piss round corners.
:wink:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:21 am

First Man: I can't wait to get home and tear off my wife's knickers...
Second Man: Why?
First Man: They're too TIGHT for me.

Tag line to be delivered with restrained wriggling... :)
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:29 pm

Q: What do hillbillies like to do on Halloween?

A: Pumpkin.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:31 pm

barnaclelapse wrote:Q: What do hillbillies like to do on Halloween?

A: Pumpkin.


I don't get it.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby 5HR1NK » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:42 pm

barnaclelapse wrote:Q: What do hillbillies like to do on Halloween?

A: Pumpkin.


Heh. Harsh.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Quantum » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:54 pm

5HR1NK wrote:
barnaclelapse wrote:Q: What do hillbillies like to do on Halloween?

A: Pumpkin.


Heh. Harsh.


Damned funny. :lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:28 pm

I really don't get it. :(
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby 5HR1NK » Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:29 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:I really don't get it. :(


Kin. The term 'next of kin'.

...

There you go.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:31 pm

5HR1NK wrote:
Dorset Girl wrote:I really don't get it. :(


Kin. The term 'next of kin'.

...

There you go.


Oh.

:lol:

Sorry, it must be my pure, virginal innocence that prevented me from understanding it at first.
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:57 pm

It's ok DG, I didn't really get it either. And it took me few seconds to get it even after it was explained.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:00 pm

CatNamedRudy wrote:It's ok DG, I didn't really get it either. And it took me few seconds to get it even after it was explained.


We can't help it, Cat, if we're too pure in our thoughts to understand sex-related jokes. ;)
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:04 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:
CatNamedRudy wrote:It's ok DG, I didn't really get it either. And it took me few seconds to get it even after it was explained.


We can't help it, Cat, if we're too pure in our thoughts to understand sex-related jokes. ;)


:lol:

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:06 pm

CatNamedRudy wrote::lol:

With no BS and no Rodge around to corrupt us we're just not as sharp as we used to be!


Yeah, it's a shame. We're going to lose our dirty minds, and become matronly and prim in no time at all. I hope they feel guilty. :(
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Lil » Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:07 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:Sorry, it must be my pure, virginal innocence that prevented me from understanding it at first.


Ha!

Oh, sorry.

:P
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:13 pm

tubalcain wrote:Why do racing drivers have bent cocks?

Because they have to piss round corners.
:wink:


LMAO
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:13 pm

Well, that's the secret of the joke. It's only funny if it takes you a few minutes to get it.

Don't feel bad. I stood there dumbfounded for about half-an-hour when I heard it.
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