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The All-New Joke Thread

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:23 pm

:twisted: Oasis come back for a reunion tour, so Hymie decides to go to Manchester Evening News Arena to score tickets.
"Two tickets please". he asks the teller.
"Excuse me sir, but would you just happen to be jewish?" the cashire asks.
"yes, and so what that i'm jewish" replies Hymie.
"ooooooooooh, this is going to be awkward, have you been ciscumcised?"
"WHAT? Why the hell are you asking that? Are you jewish? are you circumcised? What the hell that you should ask questions like this?
It's just that I don't know if I can sell you tickets to Oasis".
Whever not".
"The manager told me very clearly this morning that people who buy these tickets must be complete pricks".

:D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:25 pm

Haha, love it! I'm not an Oasis fan...
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:25 pm

A woman is sitting at home on the veranda drinking wine with her husband and she says: "I love you."


...He asks: "Is that you or the wine talking?"


She replies: "It's me ............... talking to the wine."
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:24 am

Dorset Girl wrote:A woman is sitting at home on the veranda drinking wine with her husband and she says: "I love you."


...He asks: "Is that you or the wine talking?"


She replies: "It's me ............... talking to the wine."


My friend just posted a similar joke on his FB page. The difference was it was the man saying "I love you" to his beer.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 10:25 am

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Morning Herald read:
"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, The Clwyd-Powys Archaeological Trust , Wales , reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 130 feet in his pasture near Llandegla forest,
Dai Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely bugger all. Dai has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Wales had already gone wireless."
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:16 pm

FOR SALE: Manchester United radio, volume works, bass is great, but the treble's fucked - £3.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:08 pm

:twisted: For sale - 42" HD flatscreen plasma TV £20.
Volume button does not work, and remote is lost.
At £20 you can't turn it down.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Tue May 24, 2011 7:26 pm

Breaking News: Manchester United team to face Barcelona....

Van der sar
Fabio
Ferdinand
Vidic
Evra
Valencia
Carrick
an unnamed premiership footballer
Park
Rooney
Hernandez
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Tue May 24, 2011 7:49 pm

welshben23 wrote:Breaking News: Manchester United team to face Barcelona....

Van der sar
Fabio
Ferdinand
Vidic
Evra
Valencia
Carrick
an unnamed premiership footballer
Park
Rooney
Hernandez



:twisted: LMAO
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Hans the German Butler » Tue May 24, 2011 8:43 pm

When asked if he ever gets homesick, Ryan Giggs answered he occasionally does Miss Wales :wink:
ROZ: It's not like she worships the Devil
FRASIER: She doesn't need to, he worships her!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Wed May 25, 2011 11:07 pm

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Thu May 26, 2011 2:50 pm

:twisted: Imogen Thomas is launching a music career.
Apparently she's been doing giggs left right and center for some time now.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:28 pm

A new drink will be released soon:- Pride of Wales - Made in Swansea, bottled in Cardiff.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:46 pm

welshben23 wrote:A new drink will be released soon:- Pride of Wales - Made in Swansea, bottled in Cardiff.


:thumbup:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:00 am

Wouldn't it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia & Danny Shittu played for Cardiff City!

Yesterday an old woman walked past the Cardiff City Stadium. She was struggling to hold her bags, the Cardiff city chairman shouts out the window ''Can you manage love?'' The old woman replies ''fuck off I don't want the Job!''
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:12 am

:lol:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:50 pm

A Man goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to the vampire section. The girl behind the counter says, "Maybe you should try the Cardiff City football shop across the street". Guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count".

That's my last Cardiff City joke now, honestly. :D I'm sorry.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Sat Jun 18, 2011 7:54 pm

How do Spanish people fish?

Spoiler: show
They castanets.


Just watched The Piano. I got bored after a while, so I decided to put a film on instead.

My girlfriend left me because she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Jun 18, 2011 8:28 pm

welshben23 wrote:Just watched The Piano. I got bored after a while, so I decided to put a film on instead.


:lol:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Sun Jun 19, 2011 1:07 pm

welshben23 wrote:How do Spanish people fish?

Spoiler: show
They castanets.


Just watched The Piano. I got bored after a while, so I decided to put a film on instead.

My girlfriend left me because she thought it was weird how much I love touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.



:twisted: :lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 4:42 pm

During the recent riots, six shots were fired in London, all missed. Police are looking to question Fernando Torres.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:06 pm

Possibly the worst joke I've ever heard:

Comic Sans goes into a bar. The barman says 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here.'
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:43 pm

I think it's funnier than the "funniest joke of Edinburgh Fringe 2011." http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:01 pm

I really like this joke (stolen from sickipedia) but noone I know seems to find it funny....

A horse walks in to a bar, and the barman says "why the long face?".
The horse being unable to understand the human language eats a beer mat and shuts on the floor....

Funny yeah?!?
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Fri Aug 26, 2011 5:03 pm

insaneasperger wrote:I really like this joke (stolen from sickipedia) but noone I know seems to find it funny....

A horse walks in to a bar, and the barman says "why the long face?".
The horse being unable to understand the human language eats a beer mat and shuts on the floor....

Funny yeah?!?


I don't get it !!!!!!..lol
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