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The All-New Joke Thread

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:26 pm

:lol: I really love the Baboom one!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Wed Feb 16, 2011 10:32 pm

three mice in a room. They're all bragging over who's the biggest and best. The first one says, "I'm so strong that when the mouse trap goes off, I grab it and bench press it." The second one says, "that's nothing, mate. I eat rat poison and it doesn't harm me at all". At that, the third one got up and left the room. The others went after him and said, "oi mate, what's wrong?" And he replied, "nothing, I'm just going home to screw the cat."
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:16 pm

kat wrote:three mice in a room. They're all bragging over who's the biggest and best. The first one says, "I'm so strong that when the mouse trap goes off, I grab it and bench press it." The second one says, "that's nothing, mate. I eat rat poison and it doesn't harm me at all". At that, the third one got up and left the room. The others went after him and said, "oi mate, what's wrong?" And he replied, "nothing, I'm just going home to screw the cat."

:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:49 pm

Renault & Ford have joined forces 2 create the perfect small car 4 women. Mixing the 'Clio' & the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't b able 2 find it let alone turn it on, even if some 1 tells him where it is & how 2 do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month & can b a real bitch 2 start in the morning!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:40 pm

insaneasperger wrote:Renault & Ford have joined forces 2 create the perfect small car 4 women. Mixing the 'Clio' & the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't b able 2 find it let alone turn it on, even if some 1 tells him where it is & how 2 do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month & can b a real bitch 2 start in the morning!


:lol: haha if only i could remember that the caretaker at work would love it! [ hes always telling bme dirty jokes and yes we both should be working ..lol ]
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Fri Feb 18, 2011 12:42 pm

woggle wrote:
insaneasperger wrote:Renault & Ford have joined forces 2 create the perfect small car 4 women. Mixing the 'Clio' & the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't b able 2 find it let alone turn it on, even if some 1 tells him where it is & how 2 do it. Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month & can b a real bitch 2 start in the morning!


:lol: haha if only i could remember that the caretaker at work would love it! [ hes always telling bme dirty jokes and yes we both should be working ..lol ]



thats the best bit about work though chatting and being rude!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Fri Feb 18, 2011 7:50 pm

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it , he phones the police and says ' bejesus ' i've found a sandwich that looks like a feckin bomb the operator asks ' is it tickin ? ' paddy says ' no i tink its beef ' :D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:38 pm

Paddy's Wife comes home from work one day and all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line. She screams "You stupid bugger, I said I wanted a dado rail!"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:40 pm

welshben23 wrote:Paddy's Wife comes home from work one day and all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line. She screams "You stupid bugger, I said I wanted a dado rail!"


:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:51 pm

The Chicken and Egg are in bed. The Chicken is kicked back smoking. The Egg rolls over annoyed and says': "I guess we answered that question!"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:02 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:The Chicken and Egg are in bed. The Chicken is kicked back smoking. The Egg rolls over annoyed and says': "I guess we answered that question!"




HAHAHAHAHA LMAO!!!! that is brilliant!!! :D :lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:30 pm

:twisted: An very elderly couple turn up at the doctors.
So how can I help? the docor asks.
Well it's about our sex lives the old geezer coughs up.
"I see", the doctor says, "and what seems to be the problem?"
"Well what we'd really like" the old dear says taking over, "is for you to watch us make love, and tell us if there's anything wrong".
"You want me to watch you making love?Right here?In my surgery?"asks the disguisted doc.
"That's right" says the old boy with a grin.
"Well there are people who are in a far better position to assist" starts the doctor, "perhaps if I can refare you.........:
"Oh please" cries the old lady, "we're really desperate".
"Come on mate" the old bloke says."Look, just give us one week to see if you can work the problem out.I'll even throw a fiver a day in for the inconvieniance".
"Well, I don't know...."says the doc.
"All right, ten pounds every day, that's fifty quid from Monday to Friday".
"Well alright then, says the doctor".
"GREAT" yells the old chap."Come on Gladys, get your girdle off girl".
"Whatever you say Ernie" the old girl says with a grin.
"You mean your going to start now?" the doctor asks.
"No time like the present" Ernie says rubbing his hands together.

For the next half an hour, the doctor is forced to watch this very old couple in a variety of positions while making notes.

"So how'd you think I did?" asks Ernie with a grin at the close of the days proceedings.
"Well I couldn't see any problem" the doctor says, trying to hold his dinner in.
"Just wait and see what happens tomorrow" says Gladys.

For the next week, the doctor is subjected to this (for him) very unpleasant routine.THe couple come in, immediatly undress, and go for it .Every day, the doctor fails to see anything particulary wrong.

On the final day, the doctor, as usual, gives them a perfect bill of health.
He then notices that Ernie is having a very hard time trying to keep a straight face.
"Well we're off, thanks for everything" calls Gladys.
His suspicions aroused, he pulls Ernie to one side as Gladys leavs the room.
OK, what's the gag?, the doc asks.
"Well, it's like this" Ernie starts."See it's cold as a fridge at my place, her husband is always at home, and at 10 pound a day, your still cheaper than a hotel :mrgreen:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:33 pm

:twisted: Sticking to a theme :mrgreen:

"So, Mr Brown, what can I do for you?" the doctor said to the old gent sitting in his office.
"Well believe it or not" the old boy (who is 90 if he's a day) starts, "i'd like to have more children, and I was wondering if you could tell me how likley that would be".
"The first thing we'd have to determine would be your fertility" says the doctor, desperatly trying not to laugh.
"Here", if you would just take this jam jar home, and fill it up, i'll be able to send it away for a sperm count, and that will tell us the probability of you fathering any more children".
"Oh thank you doctor" Mr Brown exclaimed.
"No problem" the doc said, "just remember to book an apointment for next Tuesday at reception".

The next Tuesday the doctor buzzes his intercom, and asks his receptionist to send in Mr Brown.
"So how are you?" the doctor asks to a very crestfallen Brown.
"Not too good i'm afraid" says brown placing the jam jar, still completly empty, on the doctors desk.
"Mr Brown, I asked you to fill this jar" says the doctor.
"I know" moaned Brown, "but first I tried it, and it wouldn't work, so I called the wife in to give it a go, she tried it one handed, then with both hands, but she just couldn't make it work".
So what happened next?" the doctor asked.
"Well I told the Mrs to go and get Mrs Finchley from next door to see if she could get things going....."
"You asked your neighbour?" said the doctor in a shocked voice.
"yes" said Brown."She tried with the left hand, then the right hand, then she even tried it in her mouth, but she couldn't make it work".
"Mr Brown, I...."
"She even took her false teeth out to get more suction" said the miserable Brown.That's when I thought of the monkey wrench".
M M Mon key wr wr wrench? stammered the doctor going very pale.
"I thought it was worth a go" said Brown, "I mean, let's face it, it wasn't working the way it was, it ws useless, so if it broke, it wasn't like I was losing much.

"So let me get this righ" the doctor said firmly, "you tried yourself first?".
"Yes".
"But it wouldn't work?"
"No".
"So then you got your wife to try, then your neighbour with her mouth, and then you even tried a monkey wrench?"

"That's right" wailed Brown...................................















Wait for it :mrgreen:
































"BUT WE STILL COULDN'T GET THAT FECKING JAM JAR LID OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well what do you think he was going to say :shock:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Thu Feb 24, 2011 8:41 pm

My Mate died in a workplace accident, he was crushed by a coffee machine. At least it was instant.... :roll: :lol:


I've just seen Sean Connery in the middle of a field helping a lamb that was having a cardiac arrest. He managed to save it just in time with some sheepy-r....
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Thu Feb 24, 2011 9:30 pm

woggle wrote:My Mate died in a workplace accident, he was crushed by a coffee machine. At least it was instant.... :roll: :lol:


I've just seen Sean Connery in the middle of a field helping a lamb that was having a cardiac arrest. He managed to save it just in time with some sheepy-r....


:lol:

I had to read that multiple times before I got it!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:45 pm

:twisted: Who should you consult for sex insurance?

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.

Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.

Sex with a she-male - Confused.com
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:47 pm

:D Brilliant
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:49 pm

Haha, superb!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Thu Mar 03, 2011 11:10 pm

new FB status
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:58 pm

A Vicar staying in a hotel for the night, says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replies "No, it's normal porn you sicko" :oops:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:29 pm

welshben23 wrote:A Vicar staying in a hotel for the night, says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replies "No, it's normal porn you sicko" :oops:




Brilliant!!! I can't stop laughing!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:02 pm

:lol: :lol:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Agides » Sat Mar 12, 2011 11:06 pm

Why did the Mexican throttle his wife??




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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Mar 12, 2011 11:09 pm

That, Agides, is dire!

:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Thu Mar 17, 2011 5:23 pm

Breaking News: 10,000 troops have entered Jordan....she said she's a little bit sore but she enjoyed herself!
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