The All-New Joke Thread

[Agides]

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."

I heard this earlier today and every time I think about it, it really makes me giggle. How pathetic!!!

[Dorset Girl]

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."

I heard this earlier today and every time I think about it, it really makes me giggle. How pathetic!!!

We might disagree about music, men, films, TV, etc... but we definitely agree on jokes!

[Agides]

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."

I heard this earlier today and every time I think about it, it really makes me giggle. How pathetic!!!

We might disagree about music, men, films, TV, etc... but we definitely agree on jokes!

That's a lot of things we disagree about, but I'm glad we've found something we have in common.
Did we disagree about men??

[Seek_Help_from_an_M.D.]

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts??

Annette.

That happens to be my real name

[Seek_Help_from_an_M.D.]

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

[welshben23]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's court was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner

When a clock is hungry it goes back for seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[woggle]

LOL they amused me no end

[welshben23]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."

[White Rabbit]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's court was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner

When a clock is hungry it goes back for seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Oh God, please stop the PUNishment!

[Dorset Girl]

Three wrinkly old ladies all died and went to heaven at the same time. They were all in their nineties. They were told that they were allowed in through the Pearly Gates as long as they promised not to tread on any ducks. If they did, they would be punished. The ladies thought that was a bit odd, but accepted the condition and were let in. Once inside, they saw that there were thousands of ducks, all over the place, and it was actually very hard not to tread on any.

After only an hour, one of the ladies had trodden on one. Moments later, an angel came up with a small, withered, ugly, smelly old man, and chained him to the lady. "That will be your punishment!" said the angel. To be chained to this man for eternity.

The other two ladies saw this, and were determined that they would be extra careful, so that the same thing didn't happen to them. But alas, a few days later, the second lady trod on a duck. The angel came up to her with another wrinkly, smelly old man and chained them together. The third lady decided to be as careful as possible, and only walk around if it was absolutely necessary. She managed to last for six months without treading on a single duck. Then one day, an angel walked up to her with a handsome, bronzed, muscular young man, and chained them together.

'Ooh,' said the old lady. 'What have I done to deserve this?'

'I don't know,' said the young man, 'but I've just trodden on a duck!'

[welshben23]

A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike "did santa get you that?" Yes replies the little girl "well tell santa to put a reflector light on it next year" said the Policeman and fined her £5.

The little girl looked up at the police man and said "Nice horse you've got there did santa bring you that?" The policeman chuckles and replies "he sure did " Well, said the little girl "next year tell santa the f*cking dick goes under the horse and not on it!

[welshben23]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well, his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a month. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a month either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a month you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

[woggle]

ha ha i like the last one Benny

[welshben23]

Tampax are changing their design, they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel... This is for the Xmas period only!

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

[welshben23]

Dai Bach was sitting at the bar in the rugby club when a big thug walks in ... hits him to the floor and says "that's a karate chop from Korea". Later on the thug walks up to him and hits him again and says "that's a judo chop from Japan".

Dai Bach goes out and a few minutes later returns and smacks the thug on the head and knocks him out cold and says to the barman " when that bastard wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Halfords"

[welshben23]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...

[woggle]

NICE one

[welshben23]

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink. Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool. Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone. So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you mam" and he's gone.

Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?" The Invisible Man cries "I don't know, but I’ve a feeling I’ll be walking funny for a while".

[insaneasperger]

[welshben23]

A man walks into a butchers and says: "Hey, have you got any small chickens going cheap?" The butcher replies: "Nope. They're all dead"

According to Unversity Hospital, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster. There were only two potential donors -- one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky." The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A recent study published by the American Psychiatric Association into women's arse sizes yielded some interesting results.

10% of women surveyed said they were worried about the size of their arse and think it could be smaller.

5% of women surveyed said they were worried about the size of their arse and that it could be a bit bigger.

The remaining 85% said they didn't care what size he was they love him anyway and wouldn't try to change him.

[Agides]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Love that!

[woggle]

A man walks into a butchers and says: "Hey, have you got any small chickens going cheap?" The butcher replies: "Nope. They're all dead"

According to Unversity Hospital, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster. There were only two potential donors -- one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky." The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A recent study published by the American Psychiatric Association into women's arse sizes yielded some interesting results.

10% of women surveyed said they were worried about the size of their arse and think it could be smaller.

5% of women surveyed said they were worried about the size of their arse and that it could be a bit bigger.

The remaining 85% said they didn't care what size he was they love him anyway and wouldn't try to change him.

love the one about the chicken and the last one he he .....

[welshben23]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[welshben23]

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old ladies One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?

[insaneasperger]

haha Ben very funny!