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The All-New Joke Thread

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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:55 pm

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my husband.
They said, "Is this your husband, madam?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like he's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but he has a lovely personality."
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:23 am

:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:24 am

Lmao that is brilliant!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Mon Nov 07, 2011 10:35 pm

In the last ten years we have lost Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and now Jimmy Saville. Therefore, we now have no Cash, no Jobs, no Hope and no fucker to fix it!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Mon Nov 07, 2011 10:37 pm

Teehee! Good one Ben.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Ramona » Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:49 pm

welshben23 wrote:In the last ten years we have lost Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and now Jimmy Saville. Therefore, we now have no Cash, no Jobs, no Hope and no fucker to fix it!

Haha, I'd heard that one but without the Jimmy Saville part. Brilliant.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:26 pm

what do call a welshman with a stick up his arse?
a taffy apple
If life gives you lemons, make lemon curd
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby insaneasperger » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:25 pm

Lmao nice one Kat!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby kat » Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:29 pm

insaneasperger wrote:Lmao nice one Kat!


nicked it from the new Peter Kay DVD
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby tubalcain » Sun Jan 15, 2012 11:59 pm

They say that pollution in the ocean has come full circle.

Just yesterday I bought a can of sardines; it was full of oil and the fish were already dead. :?
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby woggle » Thu Aug 16, 2012 6:08 pm

Police in bishops waltham have confirmed the arrest of a drunken man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it from a farm. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

:D
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Patrick » Tue Aug 21, 2012 5:59 pm

Do you know why cannibals never eat clowns? They taste funny. :lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Mon Jan 07, 2013 7:51 pm

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Forever Jung » Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:08 pm

welshben23 wrote:One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"



:twisted: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby CatNamedRudy » Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:56 am

:lol: pretty good one Ben!
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby welshben23 » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:03 pm

I just went to check the Burgers in my fridge....AND THEY'RE OFF!

I was just in the Tesco cafe and they asked if I wanted anything on my Burgers, I said "I'll have a fiver each way".
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby DiceMan » Thu Jan 17, 2013 5:56 pm

Two young men are touring a hunting lodge, and during the tour they are introduced to the oldest living member, a fellow well into his nineties. They start chatting with him about the golden days of hunting, and the old man begins on a story:

"Well... back in '36 in the wilds of Africa one hot day our camp decided to take a break. I sat down beneath a tree to cool off for a minute. All of a sudden the bushes near me begin to rustle, and then the biggest lion I'd ever seen jumps out at me and just let's out a mighty "RAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!" ....and well, I just shit my pants.

"I don't blame you sir" one of the young men say "If a lion jumped out at me I'd have the same reaction"

"Oh no no no no" says the old timer "I meant just now, when I said RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Patrick » Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:07 pm

DiceMan wrote:Two young men are touring a hunting lodge, and during the tour they are introduced to the oldest living member, a fellow well into his nineties. They start chatting with him about the golden days of hunting, and the old man begins on a story:

"Well... back in '36 in the wilds of Africa one hot day our camp decided to take a break. I sat down beneath a tree to cool off for a minute. All of a sudden the bushes near me begin to rustle, and then the biggest lion I'd ever seen jumps out at me and just let's out a mighty "RAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!" ....and well, I just shit my pants.

"I don't blame you sir" one of the young men say "If a lion jumped out at me I'd have the same reaction"

"Oh no no no no" says the old timer "I meant just now, when I said RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR"

:lol:
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Patrick » Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:15 pm

A smart blonde:

A blonde crashed her car multiple times, and it was covered in dents, so she took it to the garage.

The mechanic told her to take the car home and blow into the exhaust pipe so all the air pressure inside the car pushes out the dents in the body work.

So she went home, and blew into the exhaust, but nothing happened.

Then her friend came and asked her what she was doing. "I'm inflating the car by blowing in the exhaust pipe to get rid of these dents".


Her friend, also a blonde, replied: "Duh, you're supposed to wind the windows up first!"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby DiceMan » Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:28 pm

Good one, blonde jokes are classic
------


This hooker walks into a bar looking for clients, she sees a black fellow by himself at the bar. So she walks up to him and whispers into his ear "heya' handsome, how about a blowjob?"

The black guy immediately launches his elbow backwards into her face, followed by a cross punch, then a headbutt. Finally he just kicks her straight out of the bar then stomps back to his barstool and takes a seat.

The perplexed bartender questions him "What was that about? What the heck did she say to you?"

To which the black guy shrugs "I dunno, something about a job"

-----------

(To be told as one)

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow"
"Interrupting cow wh--"
"MOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting rapist."
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby barnaclelapse » Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:56 am

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot. What the fuck is wrong with you?
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Patrick » Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:22 am

What does a guy think of as a seven course meal?


A six pack and a bag of pork rinds.
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby DiceMan » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:53 am

"JFK wasn't an awful president, he just couldn't keep his head together"
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Re: The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Patrick » Tue Jan 22, 2013 7:27 pm

There's a computer nerd who's a two timer...

Once in a while he uses his left hand...
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