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The All-New Joke Thread

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The All-New Joke Thread

Postby Dorset Girl » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:24 pm

Quality jokes only, no sexist ones allowed. ;)

These must be intellectual and clever, because I just heard them on QI:

Q: What's red and sits in the corner?
A: A naughty strawberry!


Q: What's green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley!


Q: Why did the mushroom go to a party?
A: Because he was a fun guy.

:lol:
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Postby welshben23 » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:49 pm

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, “We'll ship her home.” The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”
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Postby Agides » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:51 pm

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?

I'm really attracted to you!
I've got a fake laugh with your name written all over it.
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Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:52 pm

Agides wrote:What did one magnet say to the other magnet?

I'm really attracted to you!


:lol: At least we have the same taste in jokes Agides! Short n' sweet!



And :lol: @ Ben's too.
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
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Postby welshben23 » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:54 pm

A very elderly lady calls 999 on her mobile phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Madam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Postby Dorset Girl » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:55 pm

And the scary thing is, in the UK, no one would even consider taking her driving licence away from her! ;)
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Postby welshben23 » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:56 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:And the scary thing is, in the UK, no one would even consider taking her driving licence away from her! ;)


:D :lol: :lol:
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Postby Agides » Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:57 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:
Agides wrote:What did one magnet say to the other magnet?

I'm really attracted to you!


:lol: At least we have the same taste in jokes Agides! Short n' sweet!


They're the only ones I can remember!
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Postby welshben23 » Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:00 pm

I apologise in advance if this offends anybody. That's the last thing I want to do. It's not a sexist joke, just a blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde . Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.' Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!
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Postby insaneasperger » Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:21 pm

welshben23 wrote:I apologise in advance if this offends anybody. That's the last thing I want to do. It's not a sexist joke, just a blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde . Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.' Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!


:D :lol: :roll:
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Postby welshben23 » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:17 am

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'Into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths, the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
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Postby Elphaba » Mon Apr 07, 2008 4:00 pm

Like it Ben! Where are you lately btw? you're never on msn. And come and post on the DHP forum! We need guys, it's all girls so far!
The David Hyde Pierce Forum:

http://dhpforum.proboards51.com
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Postby barnaclelapse » Tue Apr 08, 2008 3:45 am

I dunno...

Most of the jokes I know are eithe stand-up bits, racist, or really, really, really filthy.

Wait...I got one.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the water?

Bob!

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(deep breath)ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....
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Postby welshben23 » Tue Apr 08, 2008 2:34 pm

A man was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?' Oh, I don't know', said the man, 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The man thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea,' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?'
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Postby CatNamedRudy » Tue Apr 08, 2008 3:30 pm

welshben23 wrote:A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'Into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths, the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'


:lol: :lol:
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Postby Agides » Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:07 pm

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts??

Annette.
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Postby Dorset Girl » Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:52 pm

Agides wrote:What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts??

Annette.


Image
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Postby woggle » Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:12 pm

Dorset Girl wrote:
Agides wrote:What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts??
Annette.


Image


HA HA LOVE IT :lol:
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Postby !Amz! » Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:33 am

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the barman if he has any grapes. The barman tells him "No, we don't have any grapes."

The next day, the duck comes back and asks once again if the barman has any grapes. He replies "Look, we don't serve grapes, we never haved served grapes, and we never will serve grapes."

The next day, the duck walks in again and before he can speak, the barman says "If you ask me if we have any grapes, I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck looks at him and says "Do you have any nails?" The barman told him he didn't. The duck then says "Right. Do you have any grapes?"
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Postby Agides » Thu Apr 10, 2008 7:10 pm

!Amz! wrote:A duck walks into a bar, and asks the barman if he has any grapes. The barman tells him "No, we don't have any grapes."

The next day, the duck comes back and asks once again if the barman has any grapes. He replies "Look, we don't serve grapes, we never haved served grapes, and we never will serve grapes."

The next day, the duck walks in again and before he can speak, the barman says "If you ask me if we have any grapes, I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck looks at him and says "Do you have any nails?" The barman told him he didn't. The duck then says "Right. Do you have any grapes?"


Fantastic!! :lol:
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Postby Agides » Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:16 pm

Actually, !Amz! joke has reminded me of this one:

What did the grape say when it was trodden on by an elephant??

Nothing, it just gave a little whine!!
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Postby Wezzo » Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:41 pm

I think I've posted this here before but hey, it's my favourite joke. Works best when said aloud.

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
[spoiler]A pilot, you ignorant racist![/spoiler]
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Postby welshben23 » Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:56 am

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way when he said elements of Sharia Law should be introduced to British Society.

The British weather has been declared Muslim. It's either Sunni or Shiite.
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Postby Agides » Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:32 pm

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."
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Postby Dorset Girl » Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:33 pm

Agides wrote:A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything."


:lol:
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