by Dorset Girl » Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:08 pm
Bollocks, I fucked things up well and truly tonight! Keren started having her now nightly tantrum at about eight o'clock, and by 8.30, I knew it was going to be a really bad one. She wanted her daddy to put her to bed, and she wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. I know it's important for her not to get used to the fact that daddy can pop over and see her whenever she likes, but it's breaking my heart to see her so upset every night. She's inconsolable - kicking, crying, getting short of breath... so I made mistake no. 1 - I thought carefully about it (obviously not carefully enough though), and phoned hubby. That's the first time since he left that he's come over to see her at bedtime, and I certainly don't intend it to be a regular thing.
He didn't mind coming over, but when he got here and I explained that she really was distressed and needed some comfort, he seemed quite dismissive, saying he didn't know what he could do about it. Obviously I don't expect him to be at our beck and call, and to come over regularly, but since he was here anyway, I was hoping he'd take her to bed and try to settle her - but he only wanted to spend ten minutes here and then go home. Fair enough, but it's hard to be rational when I know I've got another bad night with Keren ahead of me.
That was when I made fuckup no. 2, and let him see that I was upset. I really did not want that to happen, if anything's going to drive him away for good, it's a whining, needy wife! I am kicking myself for crying and making a fuss, it undid all the good that was done by spending a nice day together yesterday.
So from now on, I'm making a solemn vow to myself that no matter how I feel, he is not going to see any negative emotion from me. The only exception I'll make is if it gets to the stage where I don't want him to come back - if I'm absolutely and totally sure I've made that decision, and I've given myself time to get used to the idea, then I'll burn my bridges and tell him it's over. I'm still very, very much hoping that it won't come to that, and that we can mend our broken relationship though.
I know they're only moments... but that's all life is - just a bunch of moments. Molly, in 'Life Stinks'
) and had a long talk, then he took our daughter out to the playground. We're making our split official now - organising child maintenance money, etc., which in one way is horrible, but in another way means that we can start to move on. Thankfully it's all still friendly, and we're going to do everything we can to keep it that way.
It was bound to happen at some point. If you've got an inconsolable child crying their eyes out for something it's only natural to try and give them what they want. I don't blame you for getting upset either - it was an upsetting situation. You have my sympathies, this must be really tough on all of you.
