by StuckMuffin » Wed May 02, 2012 1:35 pm
I've got quite a few to share, some of which have been mentioned in incomplete form. I assure you I mean no disrespect in "finishing" or occasionally correcting these.
In Cafe Nervosa:
Niles: Can you believe the incompetence of that man? I very clearly asked for a whisper of cinnamon and he's given me a full-throated shout! There are countries in this world where they would lop off his sprinkling hand!
(You Can Go Home Again, Season 3)
On caring for a sack of flour to test his parenting ability:
Niles: Well, why not? It's the perfect week: Maris is away; I'm desperate to resolve the issue. Frasier! Where do you keep the flour? (Niles starts looking around the living room enthusiastically.)
Frasier: In the kitchen.
Niles: In the kitchen!
(Flour Child, Season 2)
Several days later:
(Niles turns his sack of flour to reveal two band-aids)
Frasier: Niles? I can't help noticing your child has a little boo-boo.
Niles: Oh! It's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other day - never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun, and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?
(Flour Child, Season 2)
And this wonderful exchange:
(Niles is wearing a harness with his flour child in it.)
Niles: If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in public. I just want to get the complete picture of parenthood.
Frasier: And?
Niles: It's driving me batty. (He sits down and accidentally bashes the flour child's "head" against the table.) Oh, the feedings every two hours, the constant monitoring where he is. I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night I actually had a dream that my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail! Well, on the plus side I've learned a lot, and I think if I ever am to go through the real thing I'll make quite a wonderful parent. (He removes his flour sack from the harness, revealing burn marks.)
Frasier: Niles, what has happened to your child?
Niles: I was practising my tai chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem! After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
(Flour Child, Season 2)
Further regarding muffins:
Martin: Take my word for it - you're sticking a fork in a toaster.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!
(Moon Dance, Season 3)
At Frasier's, unaware that Frasier is trying to keep his two girlfriends from meeting:
(Frasier tries to get Cassandra to leave, but she goes to the "powder room" instead.)
Frasier: This is a disaster!
Niles: What is?
(Faye comes out of Frasier's bedroom.)
Faye: Hi Niles!
Niles: Ooohh, I'm up to speed!
(When a Man Loves Two Women, Season 6)
On the phone, making and Frasier late for a squash date:
(Frasier and Niles are in the same room but Frasier, annoyed that Niles won't end his phone call, dials his number.)
Niles: Now Maris - hold on, it's my other line. Hello?
Frasier: Get the hell off the phone!
Niles: How rude!
Frasier: Please. Don't you realize it's also rude to be late for an appointment?
Niles: Oh, you are telling me about being late for an appointment?
(Frasier and Niles bicker unintelligibly.)
Frasier: Oh, forget it!
(Frasier hangs up.)
Niles: How dare you hang up on me?!
(Ask Me No Questions, Season 4)
Remember also that a lot of great Maris moments are delivered through Niles.
About dinner reservations:
Frasier: Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Ooh, sadly no. She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was at the next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.
(The Innkeepers, Season 2)